For those of you who read this blog, you probably know me and see me quite often. You see me (or Cameron) with our little and see a family who kind of has it together. There are things you don't see, however. Like today. Today should have been a fun day. Today, we went to the zoo with some friends. Today, we ran errands and made good choices. Today should have been a fun day. It was not.
The trouble began on the drive home. I had been reminding her throughout the day that we would take a nap and make happy choices because that's what big girls do. She was ok with the plan for the most part, but as we started checking things off our to-do list, she got more disgruntled with where this was all headed to. On the drive home she began to say things like, "I don't want to take a nap," "I want to play some more," and things of that nature. Like foster training tells you, I kept reminding her of all the good choices she's made, and if she continued to do so we could have lots more fun after she woke up.
She wasn't having it.
From the moment we walked in the door, the battle was on.
Fits were thrown. Toys were thrown. Hitting, kicking, screaming, pounding, just general chaos ensued. For over an hour we had a lovely cycle of open the door, get placed in bed, walk away, close door, repeat. And the whole time I kept asking God, "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE LEARNING HERE?!"
Once the blood pressure calmed down and the demon within the child was exorcised, here is what God showed me:
I am SO much more stubborn and do the exact same things to this day.
For five years, I was in open rebellion to God. Not just an hour, oh nonono FIVE. YEARS. How amazing is my God that for five years He picked me up when I fell down, placed me back where I belonged, and continued that cycle until I gave in and told Him I needed Him? How amazing is He that he led me to my so very patient husband and has blessed with a ministry that I love and don't see as a job? How AMAZING is He that He has given us children to look forward to not only in heaven but here on earth as well? HOW AMAZING IS HE?! So how could I not show this same patience and love to a little girl who has lost everything and truly doesn't know what's best for her? How could I not patiently work within her rebellion, pray for her life, and keep placing her where she needs to be? I deserve so much more wrath from God, but He's forgiven me, so I HAVE to forgive her.
How many times have I thrown my toys in God's face to hurt him?
Our miscarriages were the hardest journey I have ever had to walk. One of the verses that really helped me during that time was 2 Samuel 7:9 - "And I have been with you wherever you went and have cut off all your enemies from before you." I know, especially when we were dealing with our miscarriages, God protected us from so much so we could heal and grow. But I didn't care. I wanted Him to hurt. And so I threw every piece of ammo I had. I wouldn't talk to him. I wouldn't get in The Word. I would go through life and work and not acknowledge His existence because He took everything from me and I wanted to take myself away from Him. Funny thing about being one of God's children, you're not that powerful. Romans 8:38-39 "For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." If you're a Christian, it's signed, sealed, and delivered. You're not escaping. You can definitely try, but like the cycle I spoke of above, God just places you back where you belong till you tire out. And you WILL tire out.
How many times have I peed in my own bed just to prove a point?
Yup. My ray of sunshine definitely did that. But I didn't let that break my stride. I kept placing her where she belonged and walked away. But how many times do I do that? How many times do I take the blessings God has given me and destroy them to prove I know better? God has given me His Word (the Bible) and am I faithful to every day get in The Word? Being honest, no. And I do this because a part of me believes that I can do this on my own without Him. Am I an amazing steward with money He has blessed us with? I try, but sometimes that dress at Target calls my name and I end up leaving with the whole store in my cart. Am I the healthiest of people and do all the exercise? Absolutely not! Doritos are yummy and sweating is gross. But God is SO good to me that He realizes I'm kind of dumb sometimes and need His help. So He lets me wear out till I get back in The Word and realize, "Oh this is why I've been feeling like I'm dying!" When I foolishly spend our money and an unforeseen bill comes along our way, God has ALWAYS been faithful to help us pay it off and remind me that material things don't matter. When I feel like trash and want to curl up and die, God reminds me that salads are a thing and are actually good for you! GOD IS SO FAITHFUL EVEN WHEN I'M TERRIBLE!
My little angel of darkness is still napping. And when she wakes up, I will try to be more like Jesus. I will tell her I love her. I will remind her she's better than the choices that she's made. I will help her clean her room and her mess. And while we're cleaning, I will play some Jesus music and tell her about Jesus' love and faithfulness. She won't get it. She probably won't care. But I will plant the seeds and trust the One who grows them to be faithful in the harvest.