After three miscarriages, that becomes your new norm. Not that you look forward to losing your child, but it's what you're "comfortable" in. You brace yourself when you go to the doctor and tell yourself, "It'll be ok if he's dead, it'll be ok if he's dead..." Your mind looks for new signs/symptoms every day to prepare yourself for the worst. Was that a cramp, or a growing pain? Was that blood, or discharge? Is this a bowel movement, or is it go time? (Sorry for the graphic pictures, but it is what it is.) It becomes your new defense mechanism so "when" you receive the bad news, you knew all along and you're ready for the next steps. When I first found out we were pregnant with Lincoln, I told myself once we got to 12 weeks, then I would be ok. Then I would trust God. Then I could move forward.
20 weeks later and I'm still waiting.
I made excuses for myself. I told myself that, "Oh, well you haven't heard his heartbeat yet."
That was week 16.
"Oh, well there could be an abnormality and he won't make it the full 9 months."
That was 18 weeks.
Now, my new excuse is, "Well, you haven't really felt him yet. That could be gas. Once you feel his constant movement, then you'll be ok."
I'm sure I'll find another excuse once that day comes. And what's worse is that I'm already expecting it. My brain is already going there and preparing an excuse for the future.
Funny thing about following God: He wants your whole heart. He wants your full trust. There is no, "If, then" with God. It's always, "Now or never." This doesn't mean God isn't patient with us in our weakness, but the expectation has been set and the rest is sin.
In Matthew 8:21 a disciple says to Jesus, "Lord, let me first go and bury my father." I'd always interpreted this verse as the father was already dead and the disciple wanted to go bury his father right quick and come back. That's not what was going on. According to our John MacArthur study bible, that was a common figure of speech meaning, "Let me wait until I receive my inheritance." His father was still alive and well and he wanted Jesus' permission to receive that first, then he would follow Him.
At first, I was flabbergasted by the disciple. "Your father is alive! He's not dead at all! Who are you to ask God to wait for your timetable?!"
Really funny how God is a sneaky ninja about convicting us on our sins.
Lincoln is alive. Who am I to ask God to wait on my timetable?
Jesus responds to the disciple by saying, "Follow me, and leave the dead to bury their own dead." What he's saying is "Let the spiritually dead take care of mundane things."
Ouch. God just called me spiritually dead.
He doesn't mean it as a mean thing. He's not saying I can't repent and turn back to Him. But He's definitely letting me know when it comes to trusting Him with Lincoln's life, I'm spiritually dead.
So what are you waiting on? What goal have you set in your mind that is between you and completely following Jesus?
Are you waiting on your finances to be more stable, then you'll start giving to the church?
Once work settles, then I'll start attending church regularly?
If I go to bed early, then I'll wake up on time and have my quiet time with the Lord?
Once life settles, then I'll have a consistent prayer time with the Lord?
Satan is really good at whispering excuses in our ear and causing us to believe that it's ok to wait to follow Jesus.
It's not. Today, repent on your waiting. Not in a minute, not tomorrow, not when you have time, NOW. Don't let Satan have a foothold in your life. Shore up your defenses. Leave no room for the enemy to sneak in.
"Follow me, and leave the dead to bury their own dead."