Fostering is Not for Me

Hailee and I spent nearly 8 months fostering before we had our first child, Lincoln. In that time, we had 5 different children in our house, one for a full 6 months, and we learned a thing or two. Aside from the horrible trauma these children are often exposed to at such an early age, we learned quite a bit about ourselves and God’s design for people in the process.

At the moment, we’re not fostering. We will again, I’m almost certain of it, and we’ve talked about it at length. Our last placement became very violent and dangerous, so we believe it’s best for our family and children to wait until they’re old enough to speak for themselves and understand what is happening before we take that leap once more.

Since first writing this post three years ago, many of my perspectives on parenting have shifted, but my stance on the importance of this call hasn’t changed.

The Point

Fostering is always a great talking point. People’s demeanor shifts in a significant way when they find out that you are, or plan to begin fostering. I've had numerous conversations with friends and family who tell me some variation of "I love the idea of fostering, and we've thought about it, but it's just not for us." It’s generally meant as a well meaning statement, but if I’m being honest, it occasionally makes me cringe.

People typically go into elaborate detail about the various reasons fostering isn't for them, either too trying on their already busy schedule, fear of the unknown, or my personal favorite: “it’s too difficult to fall in love with a child only to have to give him or her back.”

Reasons people don’t pursue fostering often down to a simple reason: "We'll end up caring too much." And I get it; that is a perfectly sane and valid concern. As followers of Christ, we are naturally inclined to care for others, so we can naturally fall into caring too much. I get it.

Some Things to Know About Our State

During our mandatory 11,000 hours of foster training required by the state of Oklahoma, (Okay, I may have exaggerated...) we learned some startling things about the state of Oklahoma. I'll try and find the sources and append them to this at some point, because science.

One study claims that Oklahoma leads the nation in infant mortality from neglect or abuse.

Another study says that Oklahoma has the highest amount of child displacements from drug-related causes.

That means Oklahoma is in a very problematic position for the welfare of children across the nation. Want to know another statistic they didn't share in the class? Oklahoma is considered one of the most religious states in the union. One study ranks Oklahoma as the 5th most religious state in the country.

This information, when compiled, tell a pretty unfortunate story. In a state where a massive majority of people believe the Bible, we still lead the country in infant death from neglect and child displacement from drugs. Don't we believe the Bible when it tells us that "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress..." (James 1:27)

It sounds like I’m angry, but this isn't intended to be an indictment against the church. My goal is to get your wheels turning. What can be done for those children who die from neglect or abuse? What can our churches do?

Who Is Fostering?

In a state in the buckle of the Bible belt, you would think the foster system would be predominately believers hoping to put James 1:27 into action, right? Actually, in 2015, Oklahoma led the nation once more in abuse and neglect from foster parents. That's right, more foster parents abused or neglected their foster children in the state of Oklahoma than any other state. In fact, the number of individual cases in Oklahoma exceeded the number of cases in California, and California has more than 10x the population of Oklahoma.

During our aforementioned foster classes, I talked to many of the other prospective foster parents of the course of the training to get a feel for who they were. There were believers in the room, sure, but after talking to people and observing, I would estimate only 30% or so were followers of Christ. In fact, one woman we talked to a lot identified as Wiccan, and another woman in the class was in a marital relationship with another woman. I don't share this to be judgy or speak against any people of a different faith, I share this to shed light on something worth considering for the believer:

If Christians don't step up to take care of these children, someone else will. To say it another way, while the church is full of people who can't foster because they care too much, there are children being neglected and abused and raised in negative environments all across our state.

Read that paragraph again. Seriously.

I can have some pretty strong opinions, I admit it. Bear with me. I honestly think I could sufficiently argue that according to verses like James 1:27 listed above, if we are able to provide a good home for these children, we are obligated to do so.

Now, I get it. Not everyone is called to bring children into your home and care for them. But I tend to think it means a specific calling if that’s not you, and i you know that God is calling you to something else, this post isn't for you. Do what God wants you to do. But it's time for the church to start making a difference in the lives of these children.

Whenever people tell me that fostering is not for them, it takes everything in me to not say, “You’re right!”

Fostering is, for the most part, a thankless role. It’s not for us at all. It’s for the hundreds and thousands of kids in the system that need us. It’s for the ones who will be fostered by somebody—when they should be fostered by people who love the Lord.

Not Just for Kids

I don't want to just be angry through this whole post, because that's tiring. I want to share a happy story and a testimony to my wife, who is simply the best.

After we’d been fostering for about 6 weeks one girl had been with us for nearly a month. For most of that month, Hailee had the opportunity to talk on the phone to the little girl's biological mother every single night.

Every night, Hailee gets to tell her that we are praying for her, and when the mother tells us some new milestone or step, or something good that has happened, Hailee gets to tell her that those occurrences are answers to our prayers, in some cases with great specificity.

Now, in foster care, DHS is obligated to continually seek a kinship option, so children don't have to remain separated from their families. This is great, as we don't want to break families up. When our girl's worker told the mom this, she told him that she would rather her daughter stay with us. He responded something like, "Why? How can you trust them over family? You don't even know them!"

Get ready.

The mother replied, "I don't know them, but I know that they pray with my daughter every single night. I know they take my daughter to church with them. I know that when I met Hailee, she had her Bible in her hand, and she read it while I was visiting with my daughter. Nobody does that. I have friends with kids in foster care, and none of them have experienced anything like that."

I get chills even typing this. That mother was daily encouraged by Hailee and knowing that we prayed for her. She reached out to Hailee to learn about where she could go to church and even get biblical counseling to help her through this journey. For the first time possibly ever, this young mother was actually seeking the Lord.

Now, this isn't a self-righteous post looking for a pat on the back. This is an encouragement to those who may be on the fence about joining the foster program. This is for those of you reading this who keep looking for reasons not to do it.

I will be the first to tell you: fostering is not for me. Who is it for? It's for the children. It's to give them stability and love, if only for a little while. It's for the parents. We pray for and talk to and teach parents that they don't have to live in the cycle. Until we work on breaking the generational curse, we'll never fix the problem in our state.

So no, fostering is not for me. And it never was.

* Originally posted on July 23, 2017 and updated on June 29th, 2020.